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Life Lessons/Transcript
On the way to school The episode opens with a view of a crowded school bus in Amity Park driving. Danny is in ghost form with a tail flying high over the bus. Danny: One good thing about ghost powers: No fighting the school bus crowds. Danny is shown flying on a red-tinted screen. Skulker is watching him through ghostronic binoculars. Skulker: There he is, the prey that got away. I hope you've enjoyed your freedom, child, because Skulker has returned to finish the hunt. An absurdly large double-barreled blaster cannon glowing blue in the muzzles sprouts out of Skulker's right shoulder. We see Danny through it's sights—and we also see a blast from somewhere else knock Danny out of the field of view. Danny crashes into a water tank atop a building. How many exposed water tanks there to crash into in Amity Park? I'd love to be contracting repairs and replacements, and hate to insure their water tanks. Skulker: What? A weapon was fired? By someone other than me? A flying red-and-grey streak forces Skulker to duck. The streak heads for the water tower where a soaked Danny Phantom is just getting up. Valerie: '''Thought I'd forgot about you, ghost? Valerie shoots at Danny, but misses and hits the supports of what's left of the water tank. Danny flies above her. '''Danny: Nope. But I bet you forgot about that. The water tank topples over, narrowly missing Valerie. Either she or her ultra-high-tech hoverboard dodges, and she pursues Danny as Skulker watches. Skulker: They both seem formidable. Maybe I should hunt the girl. (Danny pushes Valerie back with a beam past Skulker.) Of course, I have sworn a blood oath to have that ghost boy's pelt on my wall. Now Danny is the one retreating again. Skulker follows both of them using the jet wings in his armor, which are quite a lot like the ones Kim Possible uses on occasion. Danny shoots Valerie's gun out of her hands, and then stops and hovers. Danny: Look, I don't want to hurt you! Valerie: (reaching behind into her pack) What makes you think you can! Valerie pulls out another gun, one that hasn't been seen before. A barrel longer than the casing it came out of extends, and then it sprouts eight more barrels around itself. She fires it through Danny, and his body forms a huge squiggly circle around where the bolt went through for a moment. Recovering, Danny fires back an especially strong two-fisted blast. Skulker: (hovering invisibly) I should force a contest between the hunter girl and the ghost boy. And to the winner, the honor of me using their skull as a tetherball! Valerie's battlesuit has taken some hits, and her hoverboard is smoking now. Danny looks very angry and is about to release a powerful blast—but then we hear the bell at Amity High ringing. The camera pulls back to show they are, in fact, over their high school. Valerie: Later for you, punk! Danny: I'll be waiting, creep! Skulker watches as Valerie flies off to land behind the bleachers on the athletic field, where she changes back into her school clothes. Her hoverboard splits in two with half going into each shoe. Danny, invisble, phases into a boy's room to change. Then they both run for their first class, colliding in front of Health Sciences. Valerie: Watch it, punk! Danny: You watch it, creep! The classroom door opens, and there's Ms. Tetslaff, the beefy gym teacher. Tetslaff: Fenton! Gray! Congratulations! You two stragglers are paired up for a special Health Sciences project. (The teacher picks up something from just inside the classroom.) I now pronounce you man, wife, and child. (tosses a flower sack with a happy face and wearing a diaper; Valerie and Danny manage to catch it.) Danny: I am so not kissing the bride! Valerie: 'What makes you think you can! 'CREDITS Casper High In the hallways, several couples with flour sack babies are panned past, then the camera zooms in on Sam and Tucker. As they walk with their flour sack baby FSB, they pass Danny and Valerie. Danny leaves Valerie behind with their FSB to run and join Sam and Tucker and continue walking and talking with them while Valerie struggles alone with her FSB by her locker. Danny: Let me get this straight: We need to take care of a flour sack and pretend it's our baby? Tucker: It's supposed to be something about shared responsibility. Shot widens to reveal Dash Baxter with a flower sack baby. Dash: Kwan! Go long! Dash Throws the sack to Kwan like a football. Kwan runs far down the hallway as if he was running for the goal line. Tucker: Well, some of us. Sam: The only thing it teaches me is how pointless this assignment is. Valerie is struggling with her sack, and accidentally drops it on the floor. Danny:'''Not to mention dangerous! Now I've got to spend a week playing house with an ecto-hating ghostophobe. '''Sam: Don't worry, Danny. Valerie doesn't know your secret, and as far as you go, you don't know hers. Sam turns and walks away, leaving Tucker and Danny glancing at each other. They catch up with Sam in a moment. Tucker: '''Besides, she can't be gunning for you if she's taking care of your little flour sack of love! (Hugs the FSB) (starts singing) Danny, Val and baby sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S—HEY! Valerie snatches off Tucker's beret and stuffs it in his mouth. '''Valerie: You dropped your hat. Sam, Tucker, and Danny have stopped to look back at Valerie with her sack. Tucker: Come on, Sam! Our child doesn't need to see this kind of negativity. (turns and walks away) Sam: What?! (turns to Tucker and follows him) Tucker! It's a flower sack! Valerie comes up to Danny and dumps the sack at his feet. Valerie: I'll make things quick! I don't like you, and you don't like me!Sam: Fine! I'm glad we worked that out! Valerie: So, I took the time to chart out our responsibilities. Valerie brings out a pie chart labeled “Baby Care”. A tiny sliver is labeled “ME” and the rest of the pie is “for DANNY”. Danny: And by “our” you mean “mine”. Valerie: Look. Unlike you, I'mbusy. So busy my grades are in the toilet and I really need to pass this class. (sound of baby crying) What is that?! The FSB is playing the sounds of crying. Danny pickes it up. The needle on a guage on the side jumps from “calm”. to “CRANKY”.. Danny: You can't just set it down. These things need constant motion. Valerie: You see? And it's that kind of perental responsibility that's gonna get me a good grade. Or else! (Walks away leaving Danny holding the bag.) Outside Nasty Burger Danny is still holding the bag and it's still crying. Danny: I've been a parent all of one day and my grade is probably already down to a C-minus. Sam: Life could be worse. You could be that guy. Shot of Nasty Nat, the costumed mascot of Nasty Burger, being tormented by four nasty little boys. Tucker: Oooh! Nasty Nat! Let's get a family photo with him. Family photos raise your grades. (Pushes Danny and Sam toward the mascot, who looks like a big insect with a blond topnot and a chef's hat.) Sam: You're taking this way too seriously! Skulker is skulking on the roof of the Nasty Burger, watching. He turns away to do some monologing. Skulker: Hmm. Going to need the right bait to lure those two back to battle. Materializes a cage with various ghosts he's captured. Skulker: Too scaly; too frightening; you I plan on feasting on for dinner—Yes! You'll do. (pulls the Box Ghost out of the cage.) You'll do. Box Ghost : I am the box ghost. I— Skulker puts a spider-like gag on the Box Ghost. Then Skulker brings out something looking very much like the Fenton Fisher. Back on the ground, Danny manages to take a couple of snapshots of Sam, Tucker, and Sack with Nasty Nat using only one hand while holding on to his crying sack. Tucker: You want me to take one of you? Family photos boost your grade. Danny: That would require having the whole family. But Mommy is too busy with her job to pull her weight and keep this kid quiet! (Danny's sack farts.) Oh come on!! Sam and Tucker: Danny! You're scaring the baby! Sam: Which that is not; that's a flour sack. Sam: Just be thankful it's only flour. Danny: (sack farts again) Then why does it smell like beans? Tucker: It's the little touches that bring the baby to life. Here. Allow me. (Takes the sack from Danny.) Tucker takes off his pack which unfolds into a changing table. Danny: Where'd you get all this stuff. Tucker: I announced the birth of our ten-pound sack of joy on the internet. The online geek community can be very generous. While they talked, Skulker dangled the Box ghost on his fishing line behind Danny and Tucker but in front of the customers inside the Nasty Burger. Danny's ghost sense finally registers, so he turns around and notices the Box Ghost. Box Ghost: (just after his gag falls off) Beware! (The customers in the Nasty Burger finally realize they've seen a ghost. Danny: Ah man! Can you watch the kid for me? Tucker: What do I look like? A baby-sitting service? (Danny hands Tucker a two-dollar bill) Come to Uncle Tucker and his baby-sitting service. Danny runs around to the back of the Nasty Burger and runs into the mascot. Nasty Nat: Watch it! (Runs off.) Danny transforms without his signature "going ghost" and flies up to take a look around. Danny: Now where's that lame-o Box Ghost? Valerie: Only lame-o ghost I see here is you! Valerie shoots a rocket into Danny, causing him to crash into the Nasty Nat drive-through robot. Robot: (half-destroyed) Welcome to Nasty Burger. May I take your order? Danny blasts the robot, finishing its destruction. Danny: Oh, she's too busy to watch the kids, but when it comes time to kick my butt, she's front-and-center. (to Valerie) Don't you have anything better to do? Valerie: This is what I do! (fires and hits, causing Danny to fly past Skulker) Skulker: At last! People hitting people. Is there anything more beautiful? Valerie fires a salvo of five rockets which all land at the Nasty Burger. One of them hits the pole holding the sign up, and it begins to lean over toward Tucker. Tucker: My baby! Danny: Tucker! Danny flies down to Tucker and makes both of them insubstantial before the pole snaps and falls. No harm comes to Tucker, Danny, or their FSBs. Tucker: Thanks! But this is gonna cost you extra. Danny: You can bill me later. Right now I've gotta stop this fight before anyone gets hurt. Danny turns invisible, goes behind some SUVs, and comes out as Danny Fenton. Valerie looks down with her binoculars at the scene. Part of the scene is Nasty Nat (not the robot) on the ground, unmoving, surrounded by panicking people. She also sees Danny Fenton close by. Valerie: No ghost kid. I better get out of here before this gets any worse. (Flies off) Skulker: Oh, this is ridiculous. I could have skinned them both by now. Tucker: I ought to bust you for child endangerment. (Gives Danny his sack back and picks up his own sack to cuddle it.) There, there now. Daddy's here. Daddy loves you, yes he does. Sam: Uh, Tucker (taking the sack from Tucker) Point of information, it's a sack of white powder you almost got killed over. (But then Sam smiles at the sack, moistens her finger with her tongue and rubs off a smudge.) Tucker: I'm gonna have to charge you extra, Danny. Hazard pay, and all. Danny: (handing a five-dollar bill to Tucker) Fine. Whatever. Right now I just want to find Valerie and give her our kid. And a piece of my mind! Danny turns to leave, but runs right into Nasty Nat, up and around again. Danny: Please move! (shoves Nat aside) Somehow it's daytime again and Dash and Paulina are now outside the Nasty Burger. Dash: (in his football uniform): I can't take the kid during football practice. Paulina: (in her cheerleader uniform) Hello? You have protective padding. All I are have pom-poms. Tucker: I couldn't help overhearing you, and I think I have the solution to your child-care dilemma. Valerie's Apartment Valerie is doing chinups from some ugly pipe in her ceiling. Around her are all sorts of evidence of her obsession, including clippings of articles about “the Ghost Kid”, photographs, his image on her computer, ectoplasm samples, an arsenal of weapons on one wall of her room, and a “Most Wanted” poster with Danny at the top of the list. Valerie: (to herself) You can run, ghost boy, but you can't hide. Persistent knocking brings her to the entry door. Danny: Valerie? It's Danny. And Junior. You're taking the kid. Now. Valerie: But. My job. Danny: I know all about your stupid job. Valerie: What? (kicks a forgotten gun near the door out of sight). Who told you about that? Danny: It doesn't matter. Free ride's over. Now get your lazy butt in gear and start pulling your own weight. Valerie: Danny, wait, please! If I flunk Tetslaff's class my dad will kill me! (The FSB farts in Valerie's face.) Danny: Great! Then you might think about changing that diaper. Skulker: Clearly the sack is very valuable to both of them. Which gives me an idea... Skulker becomes invisible, flies over to Valerie's apartment, and steals the sack out of Valerie's hands. Valerie immediately arms herself. Skulker then appears before Danny in the corridor outside Valerie's place with the sack. Danny: Skulker! What are you doing? Skulker: Framing you. (Yells at the sack) Danny: Skulker! Skulker throws the sack to Danny, then turns invisible and phases through the ceiling. And, of course, just after Skulker disappears, Valerie comes out of her door in her battlesuit. Valerie: Hand over the sack, ghost, and nobody gets hurt! Danny:'Wait! It's not what you think! Valerie begins firing in the hallway. However, her blasts (for a change) don't seem to damage the building. Maybe she's learned to control her weapons better? Or maybe the scriptwriter didn't want her to wreck her building. Valerie deploys her hoverboard and flies out a window to chase Danny, carrying their FSB. '''Danny:'You don't understand. This is all a trick. By a ghost named Skulker. Valerie stops firing but keeps Danny covered with even more firepower. They come to a random stopping place directly over a plot hole to parley. 'Danny:'See? I'm putting the sack down, right here. You don't want to hurt me, and you don't want to hurt this, right? (points to the sack). '''Valerie: (retracting the extras from her gun) Why do you even care? Skulker: No hitting? Why is there no hitting? I'm changing the rules of this hunt. (presses a button on his wrist) Doohickeys pop out of the ground around Danny and Valerie. Somehow Skulker has placed them exactly where they need to be to trap Danny and Valerie. Maybe Skulker has a plot hole finder in his battle armor; he seems to have everything else except a PDA as awesome as Tucker's. Valerie: I knew it! It's a trap! Danny:'''No, it's not me! The doohickeys zap them with electricity, or perhaps ghostricity. Skulker's Island Cut to Danny waking up next to Valerie (still suited up) after being knocked out. Danny and Val discover they are handcuffed together. '''Skulker: Greetings, prey. Having failed to determine which one of you is the superior challenge, I've decided to hunt you both at the same time. BREAK Valerie: (screaming) AAAH!!! UHHH!!! HELP!!! What is this place?! Who's he?! What's going on here?! (flinging Danny around by his handcuff as she wildly gestures and turns about). Danny: Okay, in order: This is the Ghost Zone; that's Skulker, the Ghost Zone's greatest hunter; and other than you dislocating my shoulder, we're about to be hunted like animals. Valerie: (screaming): NOOOOOO!!! Skulker:'''I'm offering you a sporting head start, prey. I suggest you take it. '''Valerie: (screaming) : NOOOOOO!!! Danny: Less freaking, more running! Danny tries to shoot back. Danny: Oh, man! These handcuffs must cancel out my all my ghost powers! Valerie: (stopping and reaching down) My rocket grenade launcher! Danny: (Danny sees that the launcher is tied by a cord) No! Don't! It might be— A compartment hidden in a tree opens and a lot of darts shoot out. The pair drops to the ground. The darts all seem to miss... Danny: Booby trapped. See, that's why I took the time to explain to explain the whole Ghost Zone's greatest hunter thing. They hear Skulker roaring. Valerie: Get up! He's coming! Danny: (dart in butt): I... can't... move. Skulker:'''Spectral paralysis dart. The effects are only temporary. But this will not be. (pulls out a large two-handed gun) Valerie finds her wits and speed to run away, and the strength to drag Danny along. '''Danny: (as Valerie is dragging him behind her and after going over many small rocks.) Well, on the bright side, she's finally starting to pull her own weight. A Park in Amity Park Tucker is pushing a carrier through a park. The carrier is made of four prams fastened together and mounting a large banner between two poles advertising “Flour Power Day Care”. Tucker: (to phone) Flour Power Day Care, please hold. Flour Power Day Care, please hold, Flour Power Day Care. Yes, we do accept your parents' credit cards. Tucker: (to Sam, taking down phones for a moment.) This baby sitting racket is a gold mine! Sam: That's great, but aren't you worried our own sack might get neglected? Tucker is still carrying around their "baby" in a belly bag, but he has been so busy with his phones and his monster carrier he hasn't paid enough attention to it. It looks as if it's about to fall out. Tucker: '''No. Why? The sack falls out of Tucker's belly sack. '''Sam: (picking up the “baby”) While you're just so busy, why don't I just take her off your hands for a few hours (cradles and rocks the “baby”) Tucker: Her? Now who's taking this way too seriously! (takes the “baby” away and puts it on top of another sack in one of the prams) You're bonding, aren't you? Sam: '''No! I am so not bonding. I just thought I'd give you a break, that's all. (Hands in the air in denial, but eyes looking up and away from Tucker, showing that she really doesn't believe what she's saying.) '''Tucker: Well, thanks, but no thanks. (bringing up a phone and turning away) No better advertisement for business than a full carrier. (Taking into phone as he starts walking away with the carrier, which has large banner advertising the service. Sam: You're right, it's just a stupid school project. Tucker: (to phone) Yes, we do offer diaper cleaning. Flour Power Day Care. Sam looks down at her “baby” rolling away with the other sacks Tucker is using hoping to make even more money. Skulker's Island Valerie, still dragging Danny, bursts out of some jungle foliage and runs past the POV within one or two seconds. Skulker bursts trhough the same foliage and also runs past the POV. Valerie and Danny soon reach the edge of the floating island and look down into what looks like a bottomless pit or the inside of a green tornado. Purple doors float in random locations. Cut to Skulker some distance behind them, with weapon raised but obviously in sight and hearing. Skulker: '''No way out, whelps! Cut back to the edge. Danny is able to stand, though he seem weak. '''Valerie: There is one way out! Danny: What?! No! Listen to me! Valerie dives off the edge of the island, dragging Danny with her. Skulker reaches the edge seconds three seoonds later. After falling quite a bit, she deploys her hoverboard from her boots. Danny falls down on the board as Valerie stops its “fall”. Valerie starts moving under control. Danny falls down on the board as Valerie stops its “fall”. Valerie starts moving under control. Valerie: He might have got my weapons, but he didn't get everything! the missiles and the guns built into the board, which are plainly visible Skulker takes off to track them down. Valerie speeds through the zone, passing many doors and some more distant islands. Danny: Could you slow down for a moment? This is the Ghost Zone, and I am a ghost. I can help us both. Valerie: Why should I trust you?! Danny points to the glowing handcuffs connecting him to Valerie. Valerie: Fine. I'm open to suggestions. Danny: Head for a door. Any door! Sometimes they're portal between the Ghost Zone and Earth. They fly to a door and Valerie opens it. They see a railroad track leading straight to the door. Danny: Not that door!! An Old West-style steam locomotive is rushing toward them. It opens a mouth revealing fire behind huge jagged teeth. Both of them slam the door closed. Valerie: Then maybe you should be a little more specific, huh? They fly to the nest door, enter, and close it behind. Skulker stops in front of the door a second or two later. 'Skulker: '''I can smell how near they are. Sweat. Fear. And...(sniffs) beans. One of them must have had a burrito. Amity Park Tucker returns home with his carrier-and-rolling-advertisement but without Sam. He's set up his phony-baloney “day care center” in his parents' garage. Tucker begins putting each of his customer's sack's in their own cradle to be rocked by a pulley system rigged from the washer, so they won't start getting “cranky” without any effort on Tucker's part. Each cradle has the payment for it's sack baby clipped to the top. Three of the cradles rate dialog. As Tucker puts each of their sacks in: Tucker: Nighty-night, Alexander... Sleep tight, Andrew.... Pleasant Dreams, Benjamin. You're my favorite! I mean, of course, except, not counting—huuuuh! ''you haven't guessed yet or aren't familiar with U.S. currency, the names Tuker is using are the first names of Alexander Hamilton (ten dollar bill), Andrew Jackson (twenty dollar bill) and Benjamin Franklin (one hundred dollar bill. The denominations are clear enough.